Edge of the Falls (After the Fall) Read online

  Chapter 18

  I lean back, crossing my arms defensively over my chest. “I told you, I don’t know.”

  Gali clears her throat, a warning—to me or Rook, I’m not sure. I’m too tired to care. I glare at the ban-wolf, my lips tight. He almost smiles at me, but doesn’t, not quite. “And yet, you lived with her for years. She never told you why she was Exiled?” His voice is thick with disbelief.

  I feel tears of frustration burning in my eyes. We’ve been doing this, every day since the acidstorm. Hours of questions, probing for answers that I don’t have. I would protest, if the alternative was anything other than sitting alone in my cave.

  I make my voice icy when I say, “She fed me. She taught me. She risked my life. But answer questions? The Mistress is not very good at that. Which,” my voice goes up a little, despite myself, “I’ve told you.”

  His eyes narrow but Gali intervenes. “She needs to rest, Rook,” she says. Rook flicks a glance at her, and for a moment, I think he will argue. Instead, he nods, leans back.

  I don’t wait for a verbal dismissal—if I wait at all, he will change his mind, launch a new line of questions. And after four days of nothing but seclusion and interrogation, I am beginning to favor the seclusion.

  The acidstorm left more than downed trees and burned plants in its wake. The pack has changed. There is a high-pitched tension. It’s not just Arjun and Rook, now—all of them are tense, nervous.

  Three days ago, a ban-wolf attacked me in the main hall. Arjun beat him so savagely I was stunned he’d survived. He’d only stopped when I was screaming, and Merc pushed himself between the fallen ban-wolf and Arjun.

  Rook had been furious and ordered me into total seclusion.

  I’m left in my cave with simple instructions—soak in the sulfur pool. Answer Rook’s summons. Stay out of the way.

  And I do. Because I can’t face the frantic tension in the pack, the sidelong looks, or sudden silences. I don’t want to chance another fight. And I feel like the pack is aware of Arjun’s decision for me to return to Mlena. It’s like an open secret, one everyone is talking about even though Rook is ignoring it.

  I am, too, if I am honest. I don’t want to face it, face the crushing pain that his rejection has triggered.

  Merc trails me back to my cave, oddly silent. If everyone—including Arjun—has changed in the past few days, Merc has not. I can tell from the intent frown on his face that something is bothering him, but he says nothing as we walk through the dark tunnels, passing other ban-wolves who fall silent until well after we are gone.

  He doesn’t leave me when we reach my cave—rather, he drops gracelessly to the floor near my bed, and stares at me.

  I am too tired for this. Rook’s questions have left me stripped bare, and Arjun’s eyes never left me in the two hours I answered question after question. Even without twisting to see him sitting close behind me, I could feel the golden gaze, burning between my shoulder blades. It had made the intrusive questions harder to answer. Not that Rook cared, even if he had noticed.

  “I want to be alone,” I say, still without looking at Merc.

  He doesn’t answer, and doesn’t move. Finally, I look over, and find him studying me. I arch my eyebrows.

  “Why are you leaving?” he asks, and the words hit me like a blow. He wields them like weapons, as if he wants to inflict as much pain as he can. They stab at me and I gasp.

  I have blocked all thought of what Arjun decided. I have not thought of sitting in his arms and hearing him break my heart, not thought of the future that stretches before me like a black hole without him. Refused to think about Berg at all.

  And I have functioned. But Merc’s words force the emotion perilously close to the surface, and I struggle to breathe. My voice shaking, I force out, “He wants me to go back to the City.”

  Merc looks almost offended. “Why would you think that?” he demands.

  “He told me,” I answer. “He wants me to go and stay in the City.”

  The ban-wolf frowns at me. “Are you sure?”

  I laugh, a little hysterical. “I know I didn’t imagine it.”

  He doesn’t respond. Exhaustion tugs at me as I watch him think. Finally, he sighs and pushes to his feet. “Are you hungry?” he asks, as if I am not emotionally reeling.

  The idea of eating makes my stomach heave, and I shake my head firmly. He grunts, and pops a rolled slice of venison into his mouth. He chews and swallows, coming to sit near me. “Did you manage to appease Rook?” he says, his voice losing its solemn quality, and turning bored.

  I shrug. “Do I ever?”

  He makes a noncommittal noise, and sprawls in his chair. I know this pose—the one that means he is going nowhere, is giving me silent company. Not for the first time, I open my mouth. His eyes come to mine, and I close it again without asking anything. The tension in the pack has made me curious—are they leaving for their City, now? I don’t want to ask Arjun—I don’t know if I can. But there is no way to ask Merc, not without revealing that Arjun told me in the first place. So I offer him a weak smile and curl on my side in the silence.

  But I find myself grateful for the company. Merc is not kind—he is still harshly honest, and it makes me avoid asking questions. But he is something that distracts me from my thoughts, and he is company. If I cannot have the ban-wolf I would ask for, I will take the one I am given.

  **

  Arjun still comes to my cave. It is strange, because I am not sure how to feel about these visits. On one hand, they are reprieves, windows of time that are slowly being closed. We don’t discuss my return to the City; we don’t discuss the pack.

  But the time we share is shrinking, and we both know it. The knowledge squeezes my heart as I smooth back his hair. He hasn’t been back from patrol long—I can feel the exhaustion tugging at him.

  “Sabah?” Arjun’s tone is serious and it makes me tense. “Rook needs to talk to us.”

  I make a face, downplaying my surge of fear. “What is it this time? What the Mistress had for breakfast the first morning I stayed in the Manor?”

  Arjun snickers, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet. The wounds on his hand have almost healed. I wonder what that means for me.

  “Come along, pet,” he says, and my heart leaps. Ruthlessly, I shove down my hope. The endearment means nothing:; he has not changed his mind.

  We walk in silence, our fingers twisted together. The caves are quiet, almost devoid of noise and occupants. I tug at his hand, and he looks at me, knowledge in his eyes.

  I can’t hear it, and so I look away, refusing the words, refusing the knowledge. It hurts too much, to face the truth.

  We walk the rest of the way in silence. The pack hall is disconcertingly empty—Rook is sitting on a large stone. Gali is behind him, her face stoic. Jade and Merc are present as well, which surprises me.

  Rook’s eyes rake over me, and he motions us closer. “Have you told her?” he asks.

  Arjun darts a quick glance at me, and then shakes his head.

  “Told me what?” I ask, my voice rising.

  “Jade,” Rook says, waving a hand at me wearily.

  The healer totters toward me, and Merc steps forward when she missteps. She bats him away with sharp claws, holding back just enough to keep from cutting him.

  “Stop hovering, boy,” she grumbles, and shoves up my shirt. There is a soft noise of amusement from Gali. Her fingers are skimming over my side, and the pain is almost forgettable. She makes a soft noise in the back of her throat, almost a purr of satisfaction. “I need to remove the stitches,” she says.

  “Can you do it now?”

  She shrugs. “If I do, she’ll still need the night to recover.”

  Rook growls, a noise of immense dissatisfaction. “As soon as we’re done, then.”

  Jade nods, pats my side, and steps away.

  “Your departure is being moved forward,” Rook says without preamble, his eyes skipping to me.

  It is one
of the hardest things I have ever done, but I force myself not to react. No one does, waiting breathlessly. “The storm,” Rook says finally, when I do not ask for further explanation, “has forced a timetable forward. I need to know what Kathleen Lawson is doing.”

  At this, I sigh, an irritated noise. “I’ve told you, I don’t know.”

  “But you can find out,” he says. “If you speak to her. Or the boy—what is his name?”

  “Berg,” I whisper.

  Rook nods, as Arjun tenses beside me. “So you will return. You will gather what information you can.”

  I nod, keeping my eyes on the ground. If I stare at the rock long enough, maybe I will not cry.

  “It remains to discuss your future, Sabah.”

  “She’ll stay at the Manor,” Arjun says before I can speak. Merc shifts, and my gaze darts to him.

  There is a moment of silence and then Rook asks, “Sabah? Is that what you want?”

  Arjun starts to speak, and Rook growls, the rumble of it filling the empty, echoing cavern. “She can answer, Arjun. This is her choice—she is risking much for this pack, and this is her choice to make.”

  His words make my heart stop, and then begin again, its speed tripling. Can I stay, even without Arjun wanting me? Can I find a home in this pack? I steal a glance at Arjun, and the hope dies, as quickly as it flared.

  No. If he does not want me, I need a life somewhere else. Being this close to him, when he does not want me, would be hell. Rook is watching me, and asks, gently, “Sabah? Do you want to stay at the Manor and Mlena?”

  NO! I lick my lips. “Yes.”

  There is a moment of silence, and then a sigh—of relief—from Arjun, and Rook nods. “If that’s what you want.”

  “I’m going,” Merc says, his voice lazy.

  “Of course,” Rook says. “It’s too dangerous for Arjun to be alone.”

  “You want us to leave in the morning?” Arjun asks, his voice tense.

  Rook nods. “Yes. Sabah—are you sure you can do this?”

  I nod, and the first tears fall. I can’t listen to them discuss my leaving as if it were a recon mission—although, to them, perhaps it is. I mumble something incoherently and bolt from the cave.

  **

  Merc and Jade find me, in my little stone room. It is odd, that the maze of tunnels and caves has become so easy for me to navigate. She doesn’t speak as she clips my stitches. As she dabs at my side with her ointment, she finally looks up at me, with the brilliant green eyes she was named for. “I will miss you, child. Be careful, in the City.”

  Tears stream down my cheeks, but I smile at her, a wan smile, and nod. She kisses my cheek and wobbles away.

  Merc stays. He hands me a familiar looking bag, the shoulder strap torn, and I make a noise, a half gasp, as I recognize my beat-up pack.

  “Everything is in it,” he says, sitting next to me.

  I glance at him. There is something tense about him, something that demands my attention. “Arjun…” he trails off, as if unsure what to say.

  “He wants me to stay there,” I say, gently.

  Dark eyes lock on mine. “You love him.”

  It isn’t a question. I know it’s not, but I nod anyway. It is the first time it has been said, the first time I’ve admitted it, even to myself.

  “Then why leave him?” he demands.

  “Because I won’t force myself where he doesn’t want me,” I whisper.

  Merc growls, a disgusted noise. “You aren’t listening, Sabah.” He shakes his head and sighs. “But you will. Eventually.”

  The thought pushes memories to the surface—the pack hall filled with ban-wolves, Arjun’s voice, explaining that he was sending me back to the Manor, his fear as he explained the danger. My heart aches, a deep broken sensation, and I shove the thoughts away. I cannot think of them, not now. Not ever. Merc is still, watching me.

  “When do we leave?” I ask, too tired to argue or listen to anymore cryptic mutterings.

  “After first meal,” he says, and that quickly, his face has closed. He turns away. “Get some rest.”

  **

  Despite my fear that I would not be able to sleep, I do. I feel removed, like a thousand needles have stabbed me repeatedly, until all that is left is numb and bleeding. Arjun slips into the room, into my bed, sometime after I fall asleep, and it rouses me. I consider kicking him out, but the truth is I don’t have the energy, or inclination—if this is the last time I am to rest in the circle of his arms, I won’t send him away. The hurt of being rejected is not worth trading this memory—I will have the anger for so much longer than I will have him. I settle in his arms, my eyes drifting closed as his unique smell fills me.

  Merc shakes us awake, his eyes gentle as I blink up at him. “It’s time, Sabah.”

  Arjun tightens his grip on me as I try to sit up, a whimper of protest slipping from him. I twist, and press a kiss to his forehead. He sighs a little, but releases me and sits up.

  “Is everything ready?” he asks, and Merc nods, avoiding my eyes as he hands my pack to Arjun. A bulky bag rests at his waist, held by the strap that crosses his chest.

  “I brought food,” he says, motioning to the table. “And Sabah, some clothes for you.”

  They vanish into the hall as I dress in the thick pants. A form-fitting shirt is next, followed by a loose, heavy knit sweater. “You can come back,” I call as I sit down and tug on my first sock.

  I glance past them as they enter, and then send a questioning look at Arjun. “Is Gali coming?”

  Merc shakes his head. “No.”

  I choke down the emotions rising in me, trying to ignore the fact that she does not care enough to say goodbye.

  “She’s furious, by the way,” Merc adds, casually, finishing his food.

  I blink, startled from my thoughts. Arjun is glaring at his partner, but the sky-dark eyes are focused on me as he smirks. “She thinks this is especially idiotic.”

  Shock makes my mouth fall open and he clarifies, “Arjun, not you.”

  “Enough,” Arjun growls, so guttural it is almost indecipherable.

  Merc glances at him, lazily unconcerned, and then stands, stretching. “Ready?”

  Arjun looks to me.

  No. I’m not. Not ready to leave this tiny cave that has somehow become mine, not ready to leave the pack that is warming to me, not ready to leave Merc with his quiet, unorthodox affection, Jade, Gali—even Rook.

  I am so very far from ready. I look away, around the small stone room, memorizing it, even though it is imprinted on my mind. I use the moment to wipe my tears away, and when I turn back, offer them a watery smile. If they notice the tear tracks, they are kind enough not to mention them. I nod, and my voice is surprisingly steady when I answer, “I’m ready.”

  Chapter 19

  The forest is silent as I follow Merc down the mountain. He sets a quick pace, and my breathing is heavy as I struggle to keep up. I stumble and Arjun catches me before I land in a grove of bright purple poison plants.

  He growls, a loud rumble that pulls Merc to a halt. The other wolf looks back, impatient. “We need to get clear of the woods,” he says, looking around.

  “We need to get her there safely,” Arjun snaps.

  I hold up a hand, shaking free of Arjun. “Stop coddling me,” I say to him, pushing my hair back. “And Merc, slow down just a little. I can’t keep up with you.” They stare at me, and I huff, a little out of breath. It startles them into motion and they range around me, circling back to guide me over a stream. Graylight barely filters through the forest, shrouding us in darkness thicker than I am used to.

  They call back and forth, wild undulating cries that are both startling and familiar. Under the noise of our trek, the woods are silent, the birds and small forest animals gone still and quiet in the presence of the ban-wolves.

  It reminds me that they are dangerous, predators. That I once feared them. The thought is strange, like looking through the Shield—it twists and di
storts things slightly, making them at once familiar and unrecognizable. How could I have been that girl? I wonder. How can I go back to being that girl?

  How can anything be the same after this?

  We reach the edge of the forest late in the afternoon and Arjun decides to camp in the shade of the trees. I sniffle, rubbing my dripping nose on my soft mittens. I half-sleep as we wait for the rabbit roasting over a small fire to be ready, even though it makes me queasy. Watching grease drip into the flames, I can’t help but think about its death. Merc had been walking at my side when it darted across our path, and he had caught it, splitting open its soft belly so quickly I had been unable to follow the movement. I had seen the bright eyes dim. At the time, I had wondered if I would be able to stomach it.

  Now, after walking for several hours, I find I am able to push the death from my mind in anticipation of food.

  “How long will it take to reach the Manor?” I ask.

  “At our current pace? Tomorrow night,” Merc answers, around a yawn.

  That soon. I feel the familiar panic and pain building and I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. It seems almost natural to count as I reach for calm, the numbers a rolling litany in my mind. Ten. Twenty. Again.

  My breathing slows, and I open my eyes again. Arjun is leaning over me and his voice is low, full of tension, when he asks, “Sabah, are you okay?”

  I want to laugh. Cry. Scream. Instead, I flash him a bright smile, and nod. “Fine.”

  **

  Our pace quickens in the open. The ground lifts in gentle hills around us in all directions as we leave the mountains and forest behind. They darken to a smudge on the horizon, rising into the black sky like gray thumbprint. But I could find it, if I wanted to—I could find the cave.

  “Rook doesn’t care that I know how to get back to the caves,” I say, after we have been walking for a while. I feel them exchange a look over my head. “Why?” I ask, though I think I know the answer.

  Merc makes a disgusted sound in his throat. “Tell her, Arjun. She deserves the truth.”